[revival-fire] The Intimate Love of the Father

******* REVIVAL FIRE!!! *******    

For a long time I had been praying David's prayer in Psalms over myself-- "Search my heart and know me; see if there be any wicked (idolatrous) way within me."

Last week myself and some friends went to see Heidi Baker at the Thunder in the Bay Conference in San Jose. God gave me a personal throne room encounter, and a deep precious infilling of inner healing and intimate Fatherly love.

Near the close of her sermon, Heidi said "Some of you abort the promises-- some of you have reasons why you can't fulfill the promises God gave you. For some of you its when you get your healing, some of you its anger, some of you its bitterness." For some reason, as she said the phrase "some of you its bitterness", I heard my voice in my head say "that's me". Though outwardly I could not see how I was bitter (having gone through extensive inner healing and forgiveness), something within my inner man could not deny that this was somehow true. Puzzled, I accepted and decided to go along with whatever God was doing.

As she finished her sermon, I began to shake in oscillating prayer. As the woman in front of me began to pray for more, I was pushed to the ground by the Holy Spirit. I immediately began to weep, and feelings to deep sorrow overtook me. My brain could not process where these feelings came from. I sobbed and wept thinking, "Why am I crying?"
I then heard my own voice in my head desperately crying things like "God I am so lonely inside!" "God, I need a Mother and a Father!"etc.  Immediately as these phrases popped into my head I was confused, yet I felt a strong urge from the Holy Spirit to accept this as true.

God then led me through specific of events from my past which I thought that I was healed of. I saw visions of the darkest, most painful times in my life--  times when I literally had no comfort from anyone, and I would cry out to God yet never heard his voice. Yet these visions were new, an updated version of my life: these events played out as they did in real life, except I saw Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God the loving Father all comforting me, and a band of angels warring around me.

I then realized that this was related to the area of bitterness that I did not know I had. As Christians we are told that God is the loving Father, that we are a new creation in Christ Jesus, etc. Though my brain convinced me that I believed these things wholeheartedly, part of my heart did not believe it. Part of me was still heartbroken. I wanted to believe in these things. Yet I had trouble reconciling this idea of a "loving Father that cares about all parts of our lives" with the reality of the pain that I felt growing up. This bitterness was related to the fact that, though I was sincerely crying out to God, I never once heard His voice or felt His touch in those specific instances (those displayed in the visions).

Another problem that I had was that in our church inner healing, we often walk through problems with the idea that "God is rewriting my past, that Today I am a secure adult with Jesus as my security." Yet again, I struggled with this. Why does God have to "rewrite" my past Today, when I asked Him to intervene Before?? Why didn't He do something Then??

As I saw these visions, I realized that this was The complete truth about my past: That God was moved by my cries, and that He was there comforting and protecting me. And God told me that No-- He was not rewriting anything, and that He didn't need to. These visions were not theoretical, nor were they 'rewrites'. They were exactly how my life played out, whether or not I felt Him in those times.

After the series of painful memories, I saw a vision of myself on God the Father's lap as He sat on the throne. He was affirming me over and over again, blasting out the lies one by one: "You are loved just the way you are Today", "I love you whether or not you fulfill your promises", "I love you the same whether you go backwards or forwards", "I am proud of you Today just the way you are" etc. My family background is one of perfection and performance; love and value were based on fear and works. Though I often tried to shake it, this unfortunately carried into my Christian walk. I could handle Jesus the Savior/ Friend and God the Creator, but I hated to admit that I was afraid of God the Father. This feeling always lingered that somehow God wasn't pleased with me, that maybe I wasn't doing enough. Yet here I was, a deeply loved and cherished child, in the throne room with God.

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I believe that God wants to and is going to heal the church of our emotional wounds. I believe that this is the cry of the Father's heart-- "that we may be set free by the renewing of our minds"-- that All, believers and nonbelievers alike, may Experience the intimate, joyful love of the Father Who cherishes us deeply.

I was impressed by one thing that Heidi repeated over and over again: "All I am is a laid down lover of God." This from a woman who radiates God's love, whether speaking at conferences in the US, feeding thousands of orphans by faith, or boldly preaching the Gospel amidst constant death threats.

Let us all become laid down lovers of God, children who are secure and emboldened by the Heavenly Father's radiant and passionate love.


Sherri
Word of Life Christian Center
Davis, Ca.

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